The guy I considered my first love broke up with me the first day of sophomore year. After weeks of unreturned phone calls those last few sunsets of summer break, and side-eyes from the female classmates in his small group of friends that first day as I struggled to switch my locker from the basement to the fourth floor, I made it home to hear, “I don’t think this is working out. Do you think I could get my chain back,” on the other end of the phone in a subtle Haitian accent. After being confronted by the “side-eye girls” in the gym and the lunchroom for the next few days all so this dude could get a sterling silver Minnie Mouse pendant back, I spent the rest of the school year avoiding his group in the hallways. I ate with my back facing his corner of the school yard as my BFF at the time gave me the play by play of his flirtatious games of basketball with girls in the junior class who’d giggle and jump on his back after they broke a nail dribbling and not knowing what the hell they were doing on the court besides getting his attention.
For the remainder of that whole year (which was thankfully his senior year) a good guy friend of mine would play me K-Ci and Jojo songs urging me to keep hope alive for reconciliation and stringing me along with observations like, “I saw him glance your way when you shuffled past our homeroom to get to Biology.” I wrote angsty poetry, downloaded love songs from Limewire and secretly obsessed over why I wasn’t good enough and what was wrong with me. I blamed my appearance (Were my micro-braids too juvenile? My butt not big enough?). I blamed my parents and wondered if things would be different if they allowed me to go on dates without the company of my friends. My grades dropped and most days I could barely muster the motivation to participate in class. To my family and friends I was probably just a normal, heartbroken, boy-crazy teenager, but now that I look back, I know differently. I was depressed.
Even now I have to smile when I realize I survived those days, because at the time I truly didn’t believe it would get any better. I wouldn’t say those thoughts ever ventured into the dark place of taking my own life, but I definitely entertained feelings of worthlessness and wondered why the hell I even existed. But I smile because that time defined much of who I am in life and especially in love today. That fifteen-year-old me came out a period of depression with a sense of who I was, what I wanted from life, how I wanted to be treated and what I refused to settle for, lessons that some of my thirty-year old friends now are just learning. That time in my life is essentially what gave birth to the writer I am today.
The Washington Post recently reported on a study that found that depression is not the dark, adult issue we may have believed it was in the past. The study found that depression can start in many children as early as age 11. The analysis found that by the time they hit age 17, 13.6% of boys and an alarming 36.1% percent of girls have been or are depressed. Researchers report that understanding the risk of depression is important because of the close link of depressive episodes between school performance, relationships and suicide. The study also sheds even more light onto the fact that the gender gap that exists with more women suffering from depression than men, and the fact that the dramatic difference seems to be happening even earlier than expected.
As a parent of a little girl, my experience definitely makes me look at how I will handle my daughter’s teenage angst a little differently. It may have been easy for my parents to write off my marble notebooks filled with dramatic stanzas about lost love as just silly teenage hormones that would pass. And thankfully, those days did. But I can’t help wonder if I couldn’t have come out of those feelings much sooner and easier if they had taken more of an interest in what I was going through and ask more questions. And if they had, would I have even responded? It’s why I think it’s important that with my own daughter I start open, honest conversations early even if it means showing genuine interest in why she’s mad that her classmate Brianna in the second grade has the same hairstyle. That way when she’s fourteen it won’t seem so strange or phony that I’m asking her if the Trevor Jackson look-alike in her Geometry class rode the bus with her today. I also worry because close friends, music, time and prayer were what got me through those dark high school days. Today in a world where footage of her first love and those flirty lunch time b-ball games can now follow her home via Snapchat and Instagram, I wonder if faith and BFF’s will be enough to help her get through heartache without it turning into so much more.
Published in the journal Translational Psychiatry, the study was based on data compiled from in-person interviews with more than 100,000 children who participated in the National Survey of Drug Use and Health from 2009 to 2014. Insomnia, irritability, and feelings of guilt or worthlessness were all factors used to diagnose participants with depression. In the past many psychologists believed that children were too developmentally immature to experience depression, but now most professionals recognize children as young as 4 and 5 can be depressed. I believe it’s partially because our culture is defining childhood differently than it has in the past and more and more children are being placed in in adult situations long before they have been traditionally. The study also revealed that while girls are more likely to succumb to depression at an earlier age, boys are more likely to experience conduct problems and substance abuse.
The good news? Not all adolescents who experience depression will have long-term issues. Researchers are looking into why some people can come out of depression without any intervention. They all agree that the first step both parents and professionals can take to help is recognizing the signs (which include low mood, feeling unable to enjoy normally pleasurable activities, insomnia, irritability, weight gain or loss, and feelings of guilt or worthlessness for two weeks or longer). Furthermore, study author Elizabeth Miller, director of the division of adolescent medicine at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh, says that it’s not enough to just recognize the signs but to also take them seriously and act on them:
“When you are seeing young people with symptoms consistent with depression it is really much, much better to get them connected to a pediatrician to get them a comprehensive mental health assessment and hook them into treatment sooner rather than later.”
Have you or your young children ever experienced depression? What are some steps you suggest parents should take to help?
Toya Sharee is a Health Resource Specialist who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
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