While many of us would like to believe that we’re good friends, some of us slip up and both say and do things that can leave our friends feeling some type of way. Do you truly know what is and what isn’t girl code? A new web series is going to help you figure that out. Unspoken is about a group of Black women, friends for many years, who while navigating love, career and life in general, don’t realize they’re breaking some serious rules of friendship. The creator, writer, director and producer of the show, Patricia Elie, will examine a code each week in the hopes that not only will you avoid unnecessary drama with your own tribe, but also tune in!
By Patricia Elie
Let’s be honest, we’ve all had questionable friends. You know the ones who are downright shady. If you’ve ever experienced a situation where a friend has lied to you, talked about you behind your back, bailed on dinner plans unceremoniously or stole your boyfriend or girlfriend, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Surprisingly, friends continue to damage promising friendships due to their ignorance of the unspoken rules of friendship. For instance, the rule that a friend should never pursue their friend’s boyfriend, husband or life partner is one of the most valuable unspoken rules of friendship. We all understand that doing that to any woman, let alone a friend, is cold. Yet, no one ever discusses whether the same rule applies to a friend pursuing another friend’s crush. Let’s say your friend has expressed interest in a man, but he’s unaware of it or doesn’t look at them in a romantic way. Can you also pursue him? Is he fair game?
As a child, I remember how effortless it was to establish a friendship. A brief introduction and a warmhearted smile led to a promising new companion. One that was fun, honest and uncomplicated. A friendship that was long lasting and not easily disrupted by triviality.
By the time most of us were in grade school, we recognized right from wrong. We knew when certain behavior was unacceptable. A friend could not chase after your boyfriend during recess, talk about you behind your back or tease you in public. So, if we grasped these rules when we were girls, why do we fail to comply with these fundamental rules of friendship as adults?
So, I asked my girlfriends whether a friend can pursue a man another friend is interested in, even if they saw him first, and they all had the same response: “Oh heck no!” But why, I asked. As a young Black professional, I know how hard it is to find a good, eligible single man. What if the man isn’t into you, does that mean that your friends shouldn’t have the opportunity to throw their hat in the ring? Is that selfish on your part?
In response, my girlfriends believed that it would not be selfish. The rule does not bar friends from finding a suitable man, but rather, affirms the value placed on their friendship. The act of knowingly pursuing a person your friend was interested in can come off as untrustworthy and callous, especially if done underhandedly.
While others may not care and say, “He wasn’t mine anyway,” everyone involved must still proceed with caution. If you are unaware of your girlfriend’s stance on the unspoken rules of friendship, then you are subjecting yourself to unnecessary drama. For that reason, it is always important to have an open and honest conversation with your friends. If you are bold enough to pursue the man they wanted, then you should be bold enough to let your friend know your intentions before you do so.
Friendships are not always perfect and at times, very complex. It takes time to build a relationship and work to maintain one. So ask yourself, are you willing to risk your friendship for a man who may or may not be worth it?
Patricia Elie is the creator and writer of “Unspoken Web Series,” a dramedy about five fabulously single life-long girlfriends from college who seem to break all the rules of friendships. Subscribe and Watch “Unspoken Web Series.”
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